"Pick up where we left it all and chase the summer into fall."

I was standing up on this cliff, trying to get my thoughts in order. I wish I could say that the sun was bearing down and the reflection glancing off the water was causing me to squint, but that wouldn’t be true at all because it was sort of overcast that day, sort of humid, but really hot because we are still dealing with summer here. But I was standing there, looking over the edge at the drop off an inch from my left foot. A little later in the afternoon my left foot would be a bloody mess because while stretched out on a cheap dollar store Superman float I would go down some rapids that weren’t really all that hardcore but the rocks underneath were extremely sharp and hardcore and I would end up slicing the top half of one of my toes off, making me walk with a strange limp, even now.

I didn’t, at first, even really want to go down to the river, not really my thing. But the guys I went with knew exactly what to tell me the night before saying that there’s a cliff that’s about thirty or forty feet in the air you can jump off of. It’s been a very long time since I have done anything stupid so I figured hey, why not right? You see, it’s been a summer full of goodbyes for me, and what else is summer really good for if not saying goodbye right? But usually these goodbyes come in August, preferably late, not in June and July (winks where applicable) but that’s how it went for me this year, and the whole thought of climbing up to this rock cliff and giving up all sense of control in the freefall to the water, I had already pegged as my personal, physical act of saying goodbye to the summer itself. A big so long, see you next year act that would leave me feeling refreshed for the upcoming beautiful fall and winter.

I was standing up there, extremely nervous looking out over the edge. I already knew I was going to jump. But it wouldn’t be worth it to begin with if I wasn’t a little nervous before hand. Some cat calls were coming up to me from below, my friends telling me to stop being scared and just jump. I wanted to scream back at them to not ruin my moment and although they make valid attempts at trying to understand my idiosyncrasies I had no chance in this situation, boys will be boys and nobody likes to do something stupid by themselves so I shrugged my shoulders and leapt as high into the air as I could.

*******

And so here’s some small truthful statements.
I will once again be foregoing college for a semester or a year of forever due to being turned down for financial aid and loans.

And I had a very personal dream last night that still at this moment has an affect over me. A hold that makes me writing this on a computer that’s not mine in a house I have broke into in a sense extremely difficult to begin with because I can’t by any means necessary shake it and in the dream I was crying and I woke up with tears on my pillow and the only thing I can think to do is to go see Clerks 2 by myself. Only because its playing at a local theater that I have seen too many movies at by myself. And there’s something so bittersweet about going to see movies by yourself, in darkened theaters.

I am unemployed at a time in which money is very important. I quit my much hated job in a fit of blind rage and I am in a sense lost. But that’s how it goes I guess. I made last week a week of rest and in doing so managed to hang out with some friends here and there, making it all a bunch of fun and some days just woke up and never really left my bed and watched television. I cried twice for some reason, completely unknowingly.

*******

Two or three years ago now, every single Saturday night was spent playing Halo with some of my closest friends and we decided to try and get back together for the most part last Saturday and play again. It wasn’t fun for me because I woke up sad to begin with and then in trying to wrangle as many people as I could I kept hitting bumps in the road but eventually managed to get enough people for a decent time, and then my little brother, who is so good at the game he may as well turn pro, he just did what he always does and annihilated everyone and eventually it got so bad Garrett just quit a game period claimed he was having no fun at all and said he was leaving and I met him on the front porch of Jeff’s house and talked to him and his girlfriend for a long time while everyone else was inside playing and then in some form or another, my sadness was waning and we talked about some cool game ideas and gaming in general and I kept sneaking peaks at his girlfriend because she seemed like she was in a hurry but on the same hand she kept up with the conversation and managed to bring more than a couple good insights into it and I swear we stood out there and talked for a long time, over an hour easy and made some plans and I realized I didn’t really want to go back inside and play Halo, I would much rather turn all the game consoles off period and sit around and just talk about the most trivial things but be in love with all of it completely.

All of my friends amaze me daily with their insights and creativity and beauty.

And Will couldn’t come because he is in Florida and I know he will read this eventually somewhere and hey man, you were sorely missed for whatever its worth.

*******

So I was freefalling, waving my arms frantically, but I didn’t scream like my friends said I would and I don’t know why I didn’t scream, but I didn’t. And after I hit the water and came back up and swam to the side and especially later on when I was at a cookout full of people who knew each other because they were all old friends except for me, and even though I had everyone there convinced I was a Jewish vegetarian whose real name was Bogdonovich, I was sad because that was a piss poor way to say goodbye to anything because with all the anticipation and over thinking after I hit the water and came back up I felt absolutely nothing.


wes