"See what happens when you forget to leave a note?"
I never enjoyed driving in the rain. I always get really nervous due to my two accidents on file taking place on the dreariest of days. The weather was like that Monday morning when I was driving down a back road listening to the only cd I own, Building Something out of Nothing from Modest Mouse. I was driving to the local community college to get my application process started.
I am a very nervous person when I get into uncomfortable situations. I clam up, shake uncontrollably and sweat profusely. Sitting down with an advisor I don’t know, talking about a future I can only hope to obtain is a very uncomfortable situation for me. But I wasn’t concerned with the meeting fixing to take place, I was too busy concentrating on the road. I hit a long straightaway when I remembered something cool I accidentally did during a license test in Gran Turismo 4 in the rain. I sped up, pulled the e-brake and jerked the steering wheel in one direction. When my car started to turn away I jerked the steering wheel back pulling my car around, and before the car came to a dead stop I released the e-brake and pressed the gas pedal which propelled me forward like nothing was wrong. It was exhilarating.
I sensibly pulled my car into the visitor’s lot at the college. When I opened my door to step out I mentioned underneath my breath, “no shame, no pride.” With those words out of my mouth, I took my glasses off so they wouldn’t get soaked and pressed forward to the admissions office. The words muttered were words I said in the same under-the-breath way the night before when I finally allowed myself to cry in front of someone for the first time in eight years. And the night before that I said them in a very animated way when explaining to a friend that in the middle of the night sometimes, when I am very lonely, I go to online personals looking at girls I can only assume are lonely, sad insomniacs. I even have profiles made out at each one, but for some reason have too much pride and am too ashamed to post them.
What exactly do I hope to study at this community college? If all goes according to plan, and things rarely do, journalism with a minor in Japanese. That is an afterthought though due to the elated feeling I still have inside me due to actually trying to do something about my future. I hate stocking groceries. I have stocked groceries for five years and that is long enough for someone who yearns to tell stories. The stories I want to tell happen to be about videogames which is why Idle Hours exists. Do I plan on taking my journalism degree and using it for more recognition for Idle Hours as a website? No I do not. Will Idle Hours as a blog, website, or Roguesoft supporter go away? I doubt it. As long as I want to write about pulling a racing game maneuver in my real life car, Idle Hours will be the place to read it because nobody would want to pay me very real money for the story. And these are stories I have to tell. My journalism degree will go to me getting a very real job somewhere that will pay me very real money to write a seven hundred word review on a game like Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex blurb style, with funny captions commenting on the sexiness of cybernetic chicks in spandex. Then, I get to turn around and write a 1500 word review on the game here, where I don’t have to attach a score to the end, talk about how it affected me as a player and talk about how videogames have too many sexy cybernetic chicks in spandex.
But, it’s great to have the ambition in my life for once to follow up all the potential everyone has told me I have had my entire life. Right after I got out of the advisor’s office, I drove home and had to call my old high-school about transcripts and I am here to tell you, it was the worst five minutes of my life. I had to smoke four cigarettes to calm my nerves down enough to dial the phone, but I did it. And the fact a planned Vegas trip might get the axe and the fact Area 51 is a game I may have to pass up are small consequences to the greater story of my life. Those are consequences I am more than happy to take the responsibility for if I can be sitting in a college classroom trying to do something I want in my life which is pursuing my goal of writing about videogames for a living. I even woke up this morning with a smile, because I was up before noon. I took a shower and shaved. Sat down and went over some scholarship forms while I made myself some pancakes and smoked the first cigarette of the day. I think things are going to be alright. Not all the time because things never go right all the time. But ultimately I have enough sense to remind myself I don’t want to stock groceries forever.
And the irony almost knocked me down when I was watching an episode of Filter on the G4 network and saw Jane Pinckard, Brandon Sheffield and Gus Mastrapa all talking about the merits of art direction in videogames. Are G4 trying to get their act together by having people whose opinions I actually care about and take time out of my day to read on their television programs? Or was this just a one time thing?
wes
I am a very nervous person when I get into uncomfortable situations. I clam up, shake uncontrollably and sweat profusely. Sitting down with an advisor I don’t know, talking about a future I can only hope to obtain is a very uncomfortable situation for me. But I wasn’t concerned with the meeting fixing to take place, I was too busy concentrating on the road. I hit a long straightaway when I remembered something cool I accidentally did during a license test in Gran Turismo 4 in the rain. I sped up, pulled the e-brake and jerked the steering wheel in one direction. When my car started to turn away I jerked the steering wheel back pulling my car around, and before the car came to a dead stop I released the e-brake and pressed the gas pedal which propelled me forward like nothing was wrong. It was exhilarating.
I sensibly pulled my car into the visitor’s lot at the college. When I opened my door to step out I mentioned underneath my breath, “no shame, no pride.” With those words out of my mouth, I took my glasses off so they wouldn’t get soaked and pressed forward to the admissions office. The words muttered were words I said in the same under-the-breath way the night before when I finally allowed myself to cry in front of someone for the first time in eight years. And the night before that I said them in a very animated way when explaining to a friend that in the middle of the night sometimes, when I am very lonely, I go to online personals looking at girls I can only assume are lonely, sad insomniacs. I even have profiles made out at each one, but for some reason have too much pride and am too ashamed to post them.
What exactly do I hope to study at this community college? If all goes according to plan, and things rarely do, journalism with a minor in Japanese. That is an afterthought though due to the elated feeling I still have inside me due to actually trying to do something about my future. I hate stocking groceries. I have stocked groceries for five years and that is long enough for someone who yearns to tell stories. The stories I want to tell happen to be about videogames which is why Idle Hours exists. Do I plan on taking my journalism degree and using it for more recognition for Idle Hours as a website? No I do not. Will Idle Hours as a blog, website, or Roguesoft supporter go away? I doubt it. As long as I want to write about pulling a racing game maneuver in my real life car, Idle Hours will be the place to read it because nobody would want to pay me very real money for the story. And these are stories I have to tell. My journalism degree will go to me getting a very real job somewhere that will pay me very real money to write a seven hundred word review on a game like Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex blurb style, with funny captions commenting on the sexiness of cybernetic chicks in spandex. Then, I get to turn around and write a 1500 word review on the game here, where I don’t have to attach a score to the end, talk about how it affected me as a player and talk about how videogames have too many sexy cybernetic chicks in spandex.
But, it’s great to have the ambition in my life for once to follow up all the potential everyone has told me I have had my entire life. Right after I got out of the advisor’s office, I drove home and had to call my old high-school about transcripts and I am here to tell you, it was the worst five minutes of my life. I had to smoke four cigarettes to calm my nerves down enough to dial the phone, but I did it. And the fact a planned Vegas trip might get the axe and the fact Area 51 is a game I may have to pass up are small consequences to the greater story of my life. Those are consequences I am more than happy to take the responsibility for if I can be sitting in a college classroom trying to do something I want in my life which is pursuing my goal of writing about videogames for a living. I even woke up this morning with a smile, because I was up before noon. I took a shower and shaved. Sat down and went over some scholarship forms while I made myself some pancakes and smoked the first cigarette of the day. I think things are going to be alright. Not all the time because things never go right all the time. But ultimately I have enough sense to remind myself I don’t want to stock groceries forever.
And the irony almost knocked me down when I was watching an episode of Filter on the G4 network and saw Jane Pinckard, Brandon Sheffield and Gus Mastrapa all talking about the merits of art direction in videogames. Are G4 trying to get their act together by having people whose opinions I actually care about and take time out of my day to read on their television programs? Or was this just a one time thing?
wes
posted by idlehours at 2:17 PM
3 Comments:
good for you. i am very proud/happy for you!
I'm happy that things seem to be turning out well for you. You deserve all the happiness life can bring, so don't be afraid to go out there and get it.
Goddamnit, Wes. Our first comments, and they're about your personal life! Clearly we need to advertise to a wider audience than your diaryland buddy list.
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